I'll Know By Then
by svinfia
Summary: The tables have turned, the ball's in Jackson's court and April could have kicked herself. Takes place after 9x24.
1. Closing Time

**Okay, so this is the first ever (serious) fanfic that I've ever written and I don't write much in English, either, since it's not my native language and so I just want to apologize in advance for any mistakes. ****This'll probably be around five chapters or so but we'll see. It's pretty much all about the drama that unfolds after 9x24, focus on Japril with appearances of other characters.******

I don't own the characters, if I did these two would be married by now (Jackson & April, that is).

She could have kicked herself. What was the matter with her? Could she have chosen any words that were less appropriate?

She sighed and looked down in the amber liquid filling her glass, and promising numbness. The soft murmur of voices and the gentle clinking of glasses that filled Joe's were soothing to her ears after all the noise of a frantic ER room. But it didn't feel better. She winced and squeezed her eyes shut. That was no better either, now images were flooding inside her eyelids as well.

First, the sight of Bailey panicking, shouting. 'We do not give up on him, he has never given up on any of us, do you hear me? We do not give up on this man.' Tears in her eyes and in her voice.

Then Owen, desperately trying to keep the situation under control, shocking him and stop his heart from failing.

At last they'd managed to get the badly scarred heart going again, but he was hanging on by a thread.

The images and sounds of the ER were soon succeeded by the recollection of the stony silence behind the curtains at Jackson's hospital bed. At first, his eyes had been completely unreadable and she'd almost squirmed under his gaze. And as a scowl had started to form on his face, her pager had gone off and she'd had to rush off. But she knew she'd said the completely wrong thing.

April opened her eyes and downed her drink, grimacing and then gesturing for another. After another shot she decided it was time to call it quits. She gathered her things and left some money on the bar. When she turned around she nearly collided with a tall broad-shouldered figure.

'Jesus, Matthew, you scared me.'

'I'm sorry, didn't mean to sneak up on you.'

She sighed when she saw his somber expression. They needed to talk. Might as well be now, though she'd rather hoped to put it off until the morning, at least.

'Can we get out of here and then talk?' she asked, desperate to get some air.

He nodded and together without touching they went outside. As the cool night-air hit her face she immediately felt... well, not better, but at least clearer and calmer. They started walking in the general direction of her apartment and Matthew cleared his throat.

'What was going on out there, really?'

April swallowed.

'I, uh, yeah, I guess there was no way you didn't see that.' She looked at him tentatively and was met with his inquiring eyes, suspicion somehow set in the lines around his mouth. 'I don't know if you know about my history with Jackson, but he was the one who...' She trailed off, couldn't bring herself to say it.

'Oh, okay,' he simply replied, 'and?'

'We broke it off, but... I guess I'm...,' at last she finally blurted it out, 'I am so so sorry, Matthew, but I think I'm still in love with him and I didn't know until I thought he was dead and I really don't want to hurt you but I have to be honest with you.'

She glanced up at him and quickly turned her eyes back down when she saw his expression. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes and his lips were shut tight, making his mouth only a thin line. She took a deep breath and went on.

'And it wouldn't be fair to string you along, and please know that you are such an amazing person and so perfect and would you please say something.'

Clearing his throat, he finally spoke:

'I guess I knew as soon as I saw you flip out in the ER,' he said. 'But I wanted to hope, so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. What I don't understand is how you could say you wanted to marry me unless you were absolutely sure?'

'Because I was sure, Matthew, or I really thought I was. You're the perfect guy, really, you are and exactly what would've been right for me if it hadn't been for … All the Jackson drama, I guess,' she finished, rather meekly. Suddenly she remembered something, and slowly she slid off the ring from her left finger.

'Okay,' he said. He looked at her when she offered the ring and took it, hurt apparent in his entire demeanor now. His shoulders slumped when he turned the ring over in his fingers. 'It probably was too soon anyway.'

April didn't say anything, wishing so much that she didn't have to do this.

They came to a stop at a crossroads where their paths diverged.

He was desperate to get away from her, that much was clear, so she simply stood on her tippy toes and kissed him on the cheek.

'I am so so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. And you will make the right woman the happiest in the world someday, I know it.' She managed a smile. Nodding, he tried to smile too, but it was more a grimace of trying to hold the tears back.

'Goodbye,' he said hoarsely and promptly turned around and left.

April stood there, shivering, feeling as though she'd just let go of the only thing that made sense in her life, and that she would now walk home, away from the surest road to safety and the promise of a happily ever after.


	2. It's Not What But How

**First off: thank you to all who reviewed for all your kind words, it means a lot to me that you would take the time to review! I hope you like this chapter, and please do tell me if whether you do or not!**

The storm had abated and now the clouds were drifting off, revealing a deep blue sky fading to pink at the horizon.

Jackson was about to be discharged, and was trying to get a sweatshirt on, carefully manouvering his injured arm. Suddenly, a pair of hands were there helping him, lifting the shirt so he could put his good arm through it. Gratefully, he looked up to find Stephanie looking at him, her dark eyes full of concern.

'Hey,' he said.

'Hi! I heard all about your superhero move, are you alright?'

'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. How did you get through the storm?'

'I'm fine, the babies all made it, but did you hear about Webber?' Stephanie asked, quite excitedly. Jackson nodded and winced slightly.

'Dr Torres told me. Do you know anything? Is he out of the woods?'

'I saw him being wheeled into the ICU when I was on my way down here. He did not look good, I can hardly believe he made it out alive. Electrocuted through the right arm, and the current in those generators can't be weak, either.'

Jackson closed his eyes in an attempt to not imagine it. Stephanie seemed to catch up on it and hurriedly tried to put it right.

'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you are all kind of close, aren't you?' She took his hand to comfort him.

'It's fine,' he said, 'did the ER docs take care of it or was it someone else?'

'Hunt and Bailey, I think, actually,' she said and then hesitated for a moment.

'Not Dr Kepner?' He hated himself for asking but he couldn't help it. He wanted to know if that's what she'd rushed off to without a word. Not that he'd said anything either.

'Oh, yes, that's right, her too. I guess they needed all trauma expertise that they could get', she replied.

'Then he's in good hands,' he said simply.

Stephanie put her hand around his waist. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and they sat there for a little while, not saying anything.

This was so simple, no back-and-forth, at least not from Stephanie's side, and no question about whether she wanted to be with him or not. No shame, no weird metaphors. She was strong and independent, yet not completely wrapped up in her own little bubble. And itt was easy to ignore that he didn't know her worst nightmare, or what the best day of her life had been like.

'I need to call my mother,' he said, suddenly realizing.

'Oh, what for? To tell her about the exploding bus?'

'Uh, yeah, that's right.' The lie came easily. 'She's probably worried sick, she needs to know I survived the storm.'

'Okay, I'll give you some privacy then. Say hi from me!' she said, jumping up. Then she realized what she'd said. *Or, you know, don't. Whatever.' She hurried off, making Jackson chuckle a bit.

He pulled out his phone and looked at it, contemplating for a moment. As much as he didn't want to be the one to bring the bad news to her, he knew it had to come from him. And then he had April to think about as well. What was he going to say to her? He honestly didn't know right then. Being with Stephanie was so much easier, yet he couldn't ignore what he felt towards April. But the initial sheer joy of what he heard had been quickly stifled when he had repeated her words in his mind._ I want you. Unless you can give me a reason not to._

He sighed, pushed away the thoughts of his best friend and dialed his mother's number.

'Hey, mom. Did I wake you? No, I'm fine, totally fine. Now, don't freak out but Webber's had an accident.'

-

His discharge completed, Jackson texted April before he went up to his office to finish some paperwork. He'd have time to check on Dr Webber before he could catch a cab home.

Almost an hour later Jackson stepped out of Richard's room. The sight of the older surgeon would not be helping him sleep later, of that he was sure. Although all the burned skin had been covered in bandages, he was attached to a ventilator and it did not look good at all. Jackson stretched his neck, absentmindedly trying to flex it, wanting to rid himself of the rather unreasonable guilt he felt tbecausehe wouldn't be able to attend to Richard's burns himself. And despite seeing patients like this all the time, it never got better and without the aid of personal distance it was even worse. Images of Mark in his last days of life flashed before his eyes and he closed them, trying to will the memories away.

Looking for a distraction, he pulled out his phone. No reply from April. As a last measure he checked if she was still on-call, but the schedule told him she'd gone home. So she'd left and wasn't even answering his texts. He sighed and decided to head home himself.

-

The sun was set high in the sky when April woke up from her troubled sleep. She rolled over in her bed and feared the prospect of getting back to that hospital, the Chief attached to ventilator and Jackson continuing to scowl. Although she couldn't know that for sure, perhaps he'd changed his mind, perhaps she'd only imagined his expression.

Sighing, she checked her phone. A new message from Jackson, sent in the early morning hours. With trembling hands, she pushed 'read': _Are you still at the hospital? We need to talk._

Back at the hospital, April considered not looking for Jackson at first, not wanting to hear his disdain at what she'd said. But as she walked round a corner on her way up to round on patients, she saw Jackson and Stephanie the intern chatting, Jackson leaning over the disc and Stephanie sitting at a computer. She stopped and watched them for a minute. It didn't look like an intimate moment, but Jackson was smiling. Then, Stephanie stood up from her chair, gave Jackson a light peck on the lips and swept away. April felt a prickling behind her eyes and abruptly turned to go back the other way. She was not ready to hear it from him just yet.

Again, she collided with someone, Alex Karev this time.

'Why are you in such a hurry, Kepner? The ER's the other way if you wanted to go make googly eyes at that paramedic of yours!' He laughed at the apparent confusion on April's face.

'What? No, I... Actually, we broke up last night so I'll probably try to avoid the ER for the next couple of...hours, I guess,' she said unthinkingly.

'You broke up? Why?' Alex looked surprised, and April could well understand why. The paramedic had been just as dorky as she was, a perfect fit, she'd heard throughout the hospital that day.

'It's hard to explain,' she began, surprised that his reaction was something other than total indifference. She stopped herself when she saw his raised eyebrows and relented. 'I'm in love with someone else, okay? Just don't tell anyone!'

'You know I don't really care anyway. Are you going to tell him?' He nodded at someone behind April's back, causing her to whirl around. It was Jackson, walking towards them at a brisk pace.

'Dude, I think you and April here need to talk,' Alex said in a bored voice and swerved around them as Jackson came to a stop in front of April.

'As much as I hate to admit it, the guy is right,' he said.

She nodded and followed him as he went into an empty exam room.

He closed the door with a thud and put his hand behind his back, as if he'd clasp them together if he could move both arms. April retreated farther into the room before she turned to face him. His face lay in shadow and without seeing his eyes on his face she could breathe calmly.

'You left before I could say anything last night.'

'Yeah, it was a 911, the Chief, as you've probably heard.'

He nodded and swallowed, his eyes unreadable.

'So we need to talk.'

April steeled herself, looked down and fought to hold the tears back, chiding herself silently. He hadn't even said anything yet!

'Look, I don't know how much you meant of what you said last night, but...' His voice trailed off and he came a few steps closer. She forced herself to look up at him. His eyes were positively burning, but his good hand was still firmly behind his back.

'But if you really needed a reason not to get married, you should be able to find one yourself, that can't be my decision.' The undercurrent of his voice was clearly one of anger now, and she could have kicked herself again.

There was a pause, in which April looked anywhere but at Jackson, knowing how absolutely right he was.

'And I think you should take a step back,' he continued in a much less heated tone, as though his anger had dissipated all of a sudden. 'You and Matthew are good together, and you shouldn't throw that away for me.'

April stood still as a statue, suppressing her sobs. If she hadn't seen him with Stephanie, she thought she would have said something. Told him that she'd broken up with Matthew anyway, that she wasn't going to string him along if Jackson didn't respond the way she wanted. But it was all piling up on her. The break-up, the Chief, the intern and the attending and now this. She couldn't bring herself to say it again, not when he'd made it clear he was staying with the intern, not when he turned from angry to considerate in a heartbeat.

'And, I don't know, but I think we have to face it that we never worked together anyway. We're much better off as friends.'

A tear had trickled down her cheek and she hastily wiped it off before composing herself enough to answer.

'I guess you're right. It might have been the shock talking.' It sounded false, far too shrill.

His eyes were forever on her, his expression almost stony. April couldn't stop the flow of tears now and if she spoke again her voice would be thick from the sobs that threatened to break through any second. Jackson's face softened and he brought one hand up as if to caress her face.

'April...,' he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

'We're fine,' she had to speak, make him go away. 'And I'm sorry for putting you through all this.'

Jackson dropped his arm to his side but then he stood there, looking at her for what seemed like an eternity. At last she couldn't take it anymore, and headed for the door, giving him a wide berth as possible when she walked past him.

'Okay, I'll see you around, then,' he said when she was at the door.

'Yeah, and I am really glad you're safe, Jackson,' April managed to get out as she grabbed the door handle, talking to his back.

He merely nodded and with a soft slam of the door, she was gone.


	3. Hiding

**Once again, thank you for your reviews, they have truly blown me away! I've almost finished writing the story now**** (the last two are almost done) ****so it shouldn't be too long, though there will probably be a bigger gap between this one and the next. But we're over the hurdle, only two to go now!**

As Jackson left the room a few minutes after April had gone, he shook his head trying to rid himself of the unsettled feeling in his chest. At first he'd been angry with her but when he saw how clearly affected she was, the indignation had simply rolled off him. When she'd started to cry in earnest he so desperately wanted to say something that would make her stop, but he hadn't been able to find any words. When she'd left, after he found he was unable to, he'd felt inexplicably empty.

Being unable to perform surgeries on account of his arm, he busied himself with the boring administrative work. In a way it was a relief, seeing as he could avoid the gossip that was sure to start circulating through the hospital about his walking out from that explosion nearly unscathed.

He also made sure to check up on Webber, for his mother's sake, since the airports hadn't sounded the all-clear yet and she wouldn't be able to catch a flight to Seattle until the next morning at the earliest. Even though it was unlikely there'd be any changes during the next couple of days, he called her every couple of hours to update her.

In the middle of the shift, when he was standing in front of the OR board, tablet in hand, April timidly approached and cleared her throat.

'Hey, I need to see what OR is available for my hernia repair tomorrow.'

'Yes, OR three should be available, barring any emergency surgeries.'

'OK, good,' she said. In silence, she stood there for a few more seconds, shifting her weight between her feet, looking as though she was on the verge of saying something.

He only raised his eyebrows, looking at her inquiringly. At last, she shook her head and rushed off. Jackson caught himself staring at her retreating figure, and only when Stephanie came up to him did he realize that April was long gone.

'Oh, hi! Any good cases in the ER?' He asked her in a forced cheerful tone and put the tablet in his lab coat.

'Yeah, the aftermath from the storm is pretty heavy, I just ran up here to try and get hold of Hunt, actually.' She wasn't looking at him.

'Uh, yeah, I think he's with a patient up in three.' She nodded and then went to leave, but he gently grabbed her arm.

'Hey, you okay?'

'Of course, why wouldn't I be?' Stephanie yanked her arm free and continued: 'I'm just really stressed out and you need to make sure OR three is ready for Dr Kepner's surgery tomorrow.' Before Jackson could process this she had hurried off, leaving him completely baffled.

-

As soon as she'd shut the door behind her, April had ran to the bathroom crying, desperately trying to compose herself. She didn't know if she'd done the right thing by not telling Jackson about Matthew, by not standing up and fighting. It's just... She'd stood there in the ER, made herself vulnerable, told him how she felt but in that exam room he'd shut her out. In that exam room, fresh from a break-up, having seen Jackson with Stephanie, she hadn't had it in her to fight.

When she met Jackson briefly during the day she was entertaining the thought of just simply blurting it out, to take advantage of the much less charged moment, but then she saw Stephanie hovering at the nurses' station and lost her courage. He would find out soon enough anyway. She expected the news about her and Matthew would soon spread like a wildfire, but from what she heard the actual break-up was so far kept under wraps, probably because Matthew wasn't working for the next couple of days.

The boards were going to be held in about a month and she figured now was the perfect moment to intensify her studies, make sure she would pass this time around. So inbetween patients she would harass her fellow surgeons (except for Jackson) to examine her, and she would busy herself with textbooks and hopefully she'd end up thinking very little of either Jackson or Matthew. Under any circumstances, studying for her boards wouldn't attract any attention and in that way it provided an additional layer of protection.

Stephanie would be on her rotation the following shift, and she was not looking forward to it particularly, especially not if she would have to see the two of them together. But she'd have to soldier through and do her best. In the end, she had made a stand and she had made the right thing by Matthew and that would have to be her greatest comfort.

-

The next morning, Jackson was sitting in his office when Stephanie entered. She slowly closed the door but made no move towards him, just stood there, hands in her pockets. He hoisted himself out of his chair, but as soon as he started moving towards her she started speaking very quickly.

'Can we just talk for a second? I am so looking forward to working with Dr Kepner today.' At that he immediately straightened up and folded his arms. 'I'm not even that interested in general or trauma but the way she handles hernia repairs, with such precision, it is so-'

'Okay, what is this really about?' He cut her off, rolling his eyes. Looking a bit startled, Stephanie took a deep breath.

'Everytime I even mention Dr Kepner's name, you immediately tense up. What is with that?' Feigned casualness. So this was the real purpose, Jackson thought.

'What are you talking about? I don't!'

'You know there are rumors about the two of you, right? How you couldn't keep your hands from each other? And you _still_ can't keep your eyes off her.' This was definitely not the way he'd expected the conversation to go but Stephanie's eyes bored into him and he had to concede, at least to the first part.

'Okay, yes, we have a past. I have a past. Everyone's got one. I'm sure you've got stories to tell, too.'

'I hope that's not an insinuation, but this is not about me. This is about you pining for your best friend and supposedly former girlfriend!'

'Oh, come on! We're completely over,' he insisted, his eyebrows dangerously puckered. 'And we were never serious anyway, I assure you,' he added venomously.

'So what was that about in the ER during the storm? I heard all the nurses talking about it.'

'I don't know but this is completely ridiculous! She is getting married for Christ's sake!'

'And you don't care at all about that, right?' Her voice was approaching a very high-pitched frequency.

'No, I'm happy for her! They're perfect together, she's all religious and neurotic and so is he and he is a perfect match for her. I couldn't be happier for them.' He was almost yelling now, his hands forming into fists.

Her eyes widening, it looked like she was realizing something for the first time. She raised her chin a little. 'You know, maybe that's true. Maybe you are happy for them. But that does not mean you're not in love with her.'

'What? That doesn't even make any sense. If I loved her, wouldn't I fight for her?'

'Not a clue. Stubbornness?' She shrugged, took a deep shuddering breath and made to leave. 'You have to get your crap together, and I say that with the utmost respect, sir. But we are over.' She strode out of the room, her head held high.

As the door slammed shut, Jackson let his arms fall to his sides. This was not all what he'd expected, yet the fact that he did not feel any inclination to run after her came as no surprise. He felt relieved and guilty and annoyed all at once. Sitting down again, he tiredly rubbed his face. It was really incredible how Stephanie had twisted some unrelated incidents into this senseless story. And she'd refused to give credit to the fact that April was getting married, as if that wasn't even part of the picture.

His phone started ringing, startling him awake from his reflections. It was his mother. She must've arrived at the hospital.

-

Silently, he walked with his mother through the hospital. They hadn't spoken much. He didn't really know what to say, there weren't any fitting words in a situation like this.

When Catherine saw Richard lying attached to a heart monitor, being continously treated with fluids and dependent on a ventilator, the scream was soft, half a sob. She immediately ran inside and took his hand.

'Richard, baby, I'm here. I'm here.' Kissing his hand, crying silently, she sank down at his bedside without looking back at her son. Jackson felt that he was intruding on a private moment, and swiftly backed out of the room.

As he did so he suddenly remembered another frantic voice from another time. It was nothing like this soft, muffled scream. It was the intensely desperate wail of someone in unbearable pain. As he'd walked through the smoke and debris of the bus explosion, his ears ringing, he'd heard it, as if from miles away and he hadn't been able to quite place who or where the screams came from. Blinking rapidly, he tried to get away from the scene before him and from the one replaying in his head. He did not understand why this came back to him now.

But she had cried out his name in such raw agony and only now did he truly realize who it was.

**Note: I'm not sure if this is completely in character for Stephanie. We haven't seen all that much of her, though, and I couldn't resist making an echo of the Jackson/Lexie storyline back in S7. Hopefully it worked, and please tell me what you thought of it!**


	4. Re-Evaluation

**I would first like to say that I am so grateful for all your comments once again, and especially all the great feedback on the last chapter! So we're almost done with this little story, the next and final chapter should be up on Friday. Please tell me what you think of this and have a great week!**

Her head buzzing with exam questions, April was walking towards Richard's room on her way to see Catherine. She was on her very short lunch break, but she felt an urge to see how both of them were doing. It meant a chance she would run into Jackson, but she worried about Catherine in spite of being perfectly assured that she was handling the whole thing much better than April ever could. Besides, she had been one of the doctors on Richard's case and she hadn't had a chance to check in on him yet.

As she approached the room, she saw Jackson standing at the nurses' station outside, charting. His arm was out of the sling, but the way he moved his left arm suggested he was still in some pain. April was about to turn back the other way when he caught her eye, and so she promptly moved forward instead. She felt a little silly for wanting to run away but tried to shake it off and smiled.

'Hey, I was just coming up to say hi to your mother,' she said too brightly.

'Oh, that's nice of you.' He straightened up and joined her where she was standing right outside the door of Richard's room. There was something different in his expression since the last time they'd run into each other, but she could not tell what it was.

'It's nothing, I am one of the doctors on his case, after all.' She didn't want him to think she was doing it out of a sense of duty, that she didn't really want to be there.

When he didn't answer, she grasped for some topic to start conversing about. After a while of deliberating, her thoughts landed on something.

'Hey, do you know why Stephanie seems so down lately? I'm starting to think she's trying to avoid me, which makes things difficult, considering that she is on my service today.' As soon as the words were out April wished she'd held her tongue. She really did not want to talk about his girlfriend with him. Awkward silence would be infinitely preferrable.

Jackson was about to answer when Catherine suddenly swept out of the room. She was a bit teary-eyed, but otherwise she seemed quite as usual.

'April! How lovely to see you!' She beamed and hugged April.

'You too, Dr Avery,' April said, returning the hug, 'how are you?'

'I'm fine, it's still early days, and you've all taken care of him well.' Catherine swept a stroke of hair from her face as she assessed April. 'And you're feeling good about your boards this time, I hope?

'Oh, I am, studying hard, I am going to pass this time,' April assured her, forcing the worry out of her voice. Maybe not successfully.

Catherine raised an eyebrow.

'I can _hear _you haven't listened to my other piece of advice yet.'

April blushed, flustered, stuttered something inaudible, casting her eyes around, avoiding looking at either of the Averys before her. Catherine sighed, shaking her head.

'Maybe, we could, uh, dicuss that another time?' April finally managed to get out. When she dared look up, Jackson was clearly embarrassed as well, and when nobody said anything in response a heavy, awkward feeling seemed to descend on them.

'Did you know April is getting married, Mom?' Jackson blurted out very abruptly, possibly in an attempt to scatter the tension of the situation.

'What? You're getting married? How did I not know this?' Catherine exclaimed, looking pointedly at Jackson.

Was there a note of concern there, too? April couldn't tell. Before she could react, her pager went off. '_Thank God_, she thought before she checked it.

'Oh, God! My hernia patient is coding, I have to run!' Without a second look at either of them, she rushed off, full of guilt over her gratitude.

-

Jackson had quickly excused himself from his mother, not wanting to endure her questioning right then. He had not been able to get April out of his mind ever since he'd connected those screams with her. And even though he only wanted to feel angry or indifferent, there was a nagging feeling at the back of his head that just wouldn't go away.

Sitting in the attendings' lounge a couple of hours later he was oncemore so preoccupied Alex had to throw a pen at him to catch his attention. Roused from his reverie with a start, he asked blearily:

'Huh? Did you say something?'

'Yes, I was asking why Kepner is looking like she failed her boards again or something?'

Jackson scowled.

'That's not cool. Don't joke about that.'

Fair enough.' Alex raised his eyebrows. 'Just figured you might know something about it.'

'No, I don't. But she is probably worried about failing them again. Then again, maybe she's already started freaking out about her wedding. Maybe her favorite pastor is allergic to mint, maybe...' He went on, without knowing where the hostility came from. He really couldn't get his thoughts to fit together.

'Where the hell have you been? You don't know that she broke up with that paramedic?' Alex said loudly, interrupting what would probably have turned into a tirade.

Jacskon's eyes widened in complete shock.

'What are you talking about?'

His mind was reeling. Minutes before, he'd been deep in going over what he'd already gone over countless times before: her impending marriage. Ever since the entire turn of events during the storm had become clear to him he'd gone over and over it in his head. He'd been so angry with her for getting married and messing with his head like that. Telling him she wanted him like that was not fair, not when she had a back-up plan. He could not believe the audacity of her being afraid of losing him while she was engaged to another man. But now they were over anyway? Had Matthew been the one to end things, or had April? And why hadn't she told him about it?

'I need to go talk to someone.' He shot up from his chair and was about to whirl away when Alex yelled at him.

'Dude, wait!' He turned around, urging him to speak quickly.

'Just... Try not to screw it up this time. As much as I don't care, it's really annoying when Kepner's ticked off. Besides, there must've been a reason she didn't tell you.'

Processing this, Jackson nodded mutely and then whisked away, spurred on by an intense desire to... He didn't precisely know what. First of all, he needed to get the story straight and he needed to hear it from April.

-

Walking briskly through the hospital, he passed the Richard's hospital room again. His eyes landed on his mother who was sitting at Webber's bedside, holding his hand and smiling slightly in spite of everything. Squinting a bit, she saw that she was stroking his hand.

Figuring he couldn't just skip past without speaking to his mother, he went inside, fearing an onslaught of questions.

'Any changes?' he asked, not expecting any meaningful answer.

'It is looking better, actually, he might come off the ventilator soon' she answered. 'And I am keeping an eye on him, you don't have to keep checking in. Don't you have anywhere you should be? Important meetings to be in charge of, groundbreaking surgeries to perform?'

He chuckled at his misinterpretation of the importance of regular visits. 'My arm may be out of this sling, but I'm still not operating for a while, so I've got all the time in the world.'

'Telling April how you feel about her?' She said, eyebrows raised. He looked away.

'No idea what you're talking about.'

'Oh, please, I can read you like a book, sweetheart. And her, too! If she's getting married she's not that excited a bride, and that's just suspicious, considering it is April Kepner we're talking about.' She was looking at him earnestly now, a small smile barely visible.

It startled him but he gathered himself enough to just roll his eyes. From what he knew now, it had seemed strange. How come he hadn't thought of that before? But since his mother didn't seem to want him there, it was all the more reason to find April.

'I'll see you later, Mom,' he said and ignored her amused expression as he turned to leave.

As he'd left the room and was about to continue walking in his previous swift pace, he halted and turned around to look upon them once more. Suddenly, he was no longer her son and all he saw was a woman sitting beside the man she loved.

The heart monitor at the bed flashed, showing a regular heart beat and the scene reminded him of Mark again. He remembered what he'd said on that last day.

I_f you love someone, you say it, and you say it loud._

Having tried to live by them at least once, he'd run into Joe's to look for April but she had been nowhere to be seen. After he'd found out she'd gone, he told himself he felt too tired of it all to care.

And then she had come back, wanting to act like it never happened. Again and again she seemed to tell him it didn't mean anything to her. With her words she kept pushing him away and with her actions kept pulling him back in. Hot and cold, something that could never last in the long run. But as he looked at his mother and Richard, the recollections flooded his mind and it all started to come together.

The anquished cries through the smoke, how she'd run at him in the ER, the confession. There obstacle that had been there ever since he'd first heard her declaration had finally disappeared. He'd heard her fear and now he understood it. He started walking again, now even faster, almost running through the busy corridors. He weaved past people, so impatient to see the subject of his thoughts again, speak to her, eager to know what she was thinking.

Leaping down the stairs, he felt he could see clearer and clearer. He remembered how she'd accepted his proposal with such joy, how he'd hidden behind anger and fear to protect himself and how she'd always been honest with him in all her confusion.

During the aftermath of the proposal it had all been hurt feelings and fights but also civilized conversations and most of all the friendship that ran so deep even broken hearts couldn't stir it. The pure desire always evident in the air between them, the hidden yet clear messages, the almost-kiss. The pattern had continued, they'd bantered, they'd been apparently happy for each other, and he'd still done everything not to get hurt.

As he reached the doors of the ER, the final piece drifted into place. It didn't matter anymore who had broken up with who, and he finally realized what had been going on in his head for the past few days. He'd hidden behind her words, instead of seeing what those words actually meant. Against hope he'd hoped she would fight back when he pulled away. But he realized now what had been wrong ever since the storm.

Ultimately April, the woman he loves, the woman who had always been perfect for him, had stood in front of him telling him she wanted him. And he'd said nothing.


	5. Now I Know

**The last chapter is finally here and I'd like to thank you for your patience. Hopefully it'll have been worth the wait!**

As Jackson nearly sprinted through the ER, turning his head left and right, trying to localize her red flowing curls, his impatience started growing. He felt such a sense of urgency to see her, but she was nowhere to be found. He had to tell her soon, before it was too late, before she decided he wasn't worth the trouble or some other perfect guy proposed to her. It had to be him.

After running back and forth for a while, an idea, somehow a memory sparked in him that she might be up on the OR floor and he was about to run upstairs again, when he realized there was probably a better way. Pulling out his phone, he quietly laughed at himself, in spite of the worry he just couldn't shake off.

-

Leaving the OR to wash her hands, April felt the focus and clear-headedness from operating extend to everything else in her life. After the conversation outside Richard's room and finding out from another intern why Stephanie had seemed so unhappy during the day, it became clear to her what she had to do. She had to tell Jackson about her and Matthew.

It was different than it had been during the storm, the intense relief and anger and pure love coursing through her veins. She felt collected and cool now, and only regretted not telling him sooner. In this state she knew that she'd always been truthful with him and however much trouble that had brought her in before, it was still the right thing to do.

After informing her hernia patient's family of his impending complete recovery, she started looking. First, she entered the attendings' lounge, wherein she only found Alex munching on apple, informing her that Jackson had just left to look for someone. She failed to notice his amused smile as she groaned and turned around in the door. Her phone vibrated and she pulled it out to see a text from Jackson: _I really need to talk to you. Call me as soon as you see this._

April stared at the words, unable to really decipher them. She did not know what to make of it at all. Against common sense, hope flared briefly through her body, making her heart speed up. Breathing deeply to calm herself down, she dove into the nearest bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror she told herself that this was stupid. It didn't change anything, she still absolutely had to tell him. But that clear insight that had seemed to spur her on before was completely gone. She splashed her face with cold water and then, bracing herself, pushed 'dial'.

'April!' He nearly yelled her name.

'Hi, Jackson. You texted?' She couldn't keep the tremble out of her voice and she cursed it.

'Yeah, I really need to see you.' It sounded like he was running up stairs, his breath rapid and his words accompanied by the faint echo typical of the stairwells.

'Oh, okay, I actually need to talk to you too. I'm just out of surgery, where are you?'

'I'm on my way up from the ER. Wait, surgery? Was it the hernia guy?' A door slamming in the background.

'Yeah, turns out he had a congenital heart defect, so he went into cardiac arrest. Cristina and I were able to repair it, it was a fun surgery, actually.' She felt herself almost rambling, but managed to put an end to it.

'Oh..'

A pause.

'Where are you now?' He asked, slightly winded.

'I'm up by the attendings' lounge, should we meet on the second floor, maybe? The on-call room?' April suggested hesitantly.

'Great! I'll be there in two minutes.'

Coming through the door to the second-floor hallway, Jackson saw April waiting outside the on-call room from afar. Eager to talk to her he nearly sprinted towards her. As he reached her, he saw that she was looking worried, almost afraid. She was biting her lip and looking down and it was all he could do not to reach out to stroke a strand of that red hair out of her face. As it was, he merely opened the door and gestured for her to go in first.

'Matthew and I broke up,' seemed to rush out of her, as soon as he'd closed the door behind them. He only raised his eyebrows as this blunt statement.

'I know, Karev told me. That's why I wanted to talk to you.'

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, it's just... I didn't want to keep hurting you, I think. And you were staying with Stephanie and I just couldn't... And I tried to tell you again, I did, but well...' April tried to explain.

He listened intently, but what she said didn't change much, except perhaps made him even more certain that he had to say what he had been planning to say.

'It's fine, I get it. This whole thing is so … twisted and I've been going out of my mind trying to figure it all out. And I kept thinking you were getting married and he's the perfect guy and I didn't want to come between that when you were clearly in shock and maybe you didn't know what you were saying...'

-

April barely breathed as she heard this. Following him with her eyes as he walked back and forth in the room, she dared not say a word. She'd said what she had to say and once again, it was all up to him. Perhaps this had not been too good an idea, after all, she thought as she listened on.

'But then when Karev told me I realized the reason I should have given you in the first place and even though it's too late now and I missed my window I...'

He interrupted himself, stopped pacing and suddenly he was standing far too close. She could feel the heat from his body and she forced herself to look up at him.

'I still need to tell you the reason.' He said, his voice deep and his eyes such an intensely blue color she felt her breath hitch in her throat. 'And the reason is that I am in love with you.'

April felt her head spin. She pushed a hand out as she backed away to keep him from steadying her, from touching her at all. It was very, very important that she didn't lose her mind because this was all so unexpected and she had to know if this was real, if it could stand the test of her fear, of their fear.

'But what about what you said before? What about being better off as friends? What if I mess things up again? I really freaked out on you so many times and you...'

He interrupted her:

'You did not mess things up. I did as much of the messing up as you did. We both acted like complete idiots, but I didn't want to see my part of it before now.'

'I... I always tried to be honest with you,' April said, completely unable to gather her thoughts.

'I know that, and I should have understood better, I think I saw things clearer and I should have told you way sooner. But I realize it now and if it's not too late, I think we should try again.'

He was talking rapidly, looking intently at her, trying to gauge her reaction. He swallowed and took a deep breath.

'I want us to be together,' he said, quiet determination in his voice.

As the meaning of his words hit her, April felt herself being unable to keep frowning and when he tentatively stepped closer she didn't back away. She felt a smile threatening to break through, but she had to keep her head clear, make sure he really meant it.

'Okay, if you really mean that, does that mean you won't run away again? Like, when I freak out? Which you know I will do, right? I mean, I will try not to but I'm me and I'm crazy and...'

He rolled his eyes in that endearing way of his, laughter and smiles all around.

'Listen to me! I want you and with you comes your freak-outs and that's you and I know that, I've always known that. I was just so terrified of getting hurt I did everything I could to protect myself. I promise you that I am never going to let that fear get in the way of us ever again.'

Looking up at him, she saw a slight grin was forming on his face, too. He kept staring at her lips with greedy eyes and she couldn't think anymore.

'It's me and you, remember?' He added, smiling.

'Me and you,' she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper.

He cleared his throat. 'So I think, I think we should give us a real shot. No lying, no fear, and no running away this time. I want to make us work.'

April studied his expression intently. There really was no fear in his eyes, merely laughter and happiness dancing merrily all across his face. She could feel that hope flare up again, but now it was accompanied by joy and relief.

'Well, then...' she grinned up at him, her eyes glimmering with unshed tears. 'If you're sure.'

His answer came within a heartbeat. 'I'm sure.'

April giggled and then he bent down, arms around her waist and at last he was kissing her and as their lips met she felt dizzy, out of control, her heart racing. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly to her. She'd missed this so much, being pressed up against him, feeling their bodies connect, intertwined. As she deepened the kiss, the sense of relief of being in his arms heightened even more. It was as if she finally let go of that dread that he could have died, that he was out of her reach and only now, feeling his lips moving against hers, the way his arms encircled her, the feel of his skin under her hands, she could really believe that he was fine, that they were going to be okay.

He smiled against her lips and pulled her even closer. Wen they finally broke apart, both out of breath, she said:

'I love you.' She'd needed to say it for so long and finally realizing this it just burst out of her.

A moment of trembling silence followed, and April could the drumming of his heart.

'And I love you.'

She quietly laughed, tears now running freely down her reddened cheeks. He brushed away her tears with his thumbs, looking at her intensely, his eyes dark and his mouth grinning. Wrapping her arms around her waist again, he lifted her up and they smiled and laughed amidst kisses and at last both of them were exactly where they belonged.

-

Later that day, they stood, hand in hand, in Richard's room as he was taken off the ventilator. Catherine was torn between relief for Richard's sake and surprise at the newly-committed couple sharing the moment with her. April looked up at Jackson, saw him looking down at her and they both smiled. As Richard's heartbeat continued steadily beeping, and his chest raised on its own accord, for that instant things felt completely right.

** Let me tell you, this was the most fun chapter to write but also without a doubt the hardest. I'm really bad at writing the romantic stuff, but I hope it was okay and not too cheesy. This was always how the story was going to end and I hope you've liked it!**

**Again I'd like to thank you all so so much for all your wonderful reviews! They really have made it worth it to keep going.**

**(I might add that I haven't got any concrete ideas for epilogues or sequels but I can say that I am not ruling it out, because a few of you wanted this to be longer, and there are still obviously many issues they need to work on at this point, but _if _I get any ideas and decide to write it, it will probably be a while)**


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